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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss