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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.