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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.