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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.