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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.