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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.