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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.