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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.