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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.