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“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.