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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.