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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.