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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”