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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......