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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.