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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.