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Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.