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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.