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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
In space they just call it "Jam"
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.