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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.