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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.