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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
How do nudist clean their glasses?
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...