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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."