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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.