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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
At least a stalker is there for you.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.