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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.