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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"