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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.