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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.