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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape