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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.