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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Find someone you`re good at.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.