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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
This patience thing takes forever.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.