Daily Silly Status

My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.

I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.

I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children

I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.

I`d hit that. - women drivers

I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.

At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.

I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.

Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.