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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.