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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.