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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.