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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?