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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I give myself the best presents.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I’m bored enough to clean.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.