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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."