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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.