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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.