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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.