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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.