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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"