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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.