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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!