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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
Find someone you`re good at.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass