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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.