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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...