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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.