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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.