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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.