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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours